Fear of the unknown

                                                   All nature is but art unknown to thee.

My previous post has a generous amount of spelling erros and words missing... but you know what... Thats how I was feeling at the time. So for now, it can stay that way.

I was and still am a little fuzzy headed.

My husband, the girls daddy arrived home last night. Pure joy filled their little bodies as their daddy hopped off that plane, ... Sadness for him and my beautiful angels filled mine..... Madeleine our youngest shrieked "Daddy" with delight, ran and sprung up into his arms. I have it on video, its such a wonderful reunion every time.

The life I have been living for the past six years has been extremely difficult at times, and I can only hope that the decision that I have come to is the right one, the right one.... for right now.

I didn't know whether I wanted to blog about it, but here I am grasping for something to hang onto, trying not to loose focus. There is a reason I have got to this point, there was something in my head, that said, It's over, I have nothing left, I cant keep living this life.

Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal.

If my Husband where to discharge from the forces, and our marriage stayed the same, then I would have taken that away from him aswell.

So right now.... we are separating, he still has his job which he really enjoys and takes pride in. I love this about him, his passion is inspiring.

We have been through so much in our short marriage, but more so in the past 3 years. There has been deployment after deployment, along with having a very difficult time with our littlest allergies and asthma.

Maybe I am damaged from all the times that I have spent, wishing my husband was home to help with these things.... maybe I have just grown up... a different person to the girl he met at 15. Maybe even a different person to the one he married and had children with.

I am out of answers,

Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.

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I am tired, absolutely emotionally drained.... and I think I have been for some time... I am ready for a breather.
A week away in some open space, away from all the hussel and bussel.... The dissapointment of parenting when there is no energy left in your body to break up another scwabble, to cook another meal that is unnapreciated.... the dissapointment in myself as I feel like I have failed this marriage.

I am about to embark on a journey of the unknown. Other have made it through and out the other side. Some better off, some worse....

I am hoping for some answers, for some solace.

I dont know what lies ahead, but for now I am just going to try and live each day the best I know how, and even better at times. I am leaving the comfort of this home and moving out on my own....

I am scared and I really hope I am making the right choice... but in the end it is a choice, a decision... that I have made... one that noone else can do for me.

I feel a very hollow feeling inside of me... I reallyhope that this void can be filled some how.. some day.

Tonight I will rest... and tomorrow is another day... My little darlings 3rd Birthday party... Our baby is growing up, and I am growing with her.

Then 7 days on my own with no children by my side.... time to breath fresh country air and think of all that I have been blessed with. To return with a clear mind, ready for the journey we are about to begin...

And for now.. I am off to rest my wiery mind and body... rest and recover.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.